Strawberries and Strawberry Wine
by Maddeline Bonnefoy-Kirkland
Summary: -Her hands were stained by two different kinds of red liquid, at two different times.- Alex remembers the last good time she had with her father, as she deals with his death, and what she must do afterwards. - Severus/OFC father/daughter relationship -


_Warm, summer sunlight streamed in through the now-always-clean window. It illuminated the small kitchen, along with the small, round table and three chairs which were the only furniture in the room. A bowl full of fresh, ripe strawberries sat centered upon the simple, scrubbed wooden surface. Another bowl of equal size was placed a bit more to the right side of the table, along with a medium-sized kitchen knife. A tall, wiry redhead stood at the sink, hands under the running water. Though lean and dressed in a masculine fashion – a plaid shirt with the sleeves rolled up past the elbows and slightly loose jeans – the person could be identified as female by the small swell of her breasts beneath her slightly fitted shirt. _

_Her skin was pale, and the veins running beneath it could be rather easily seen. Bony as her hands were, they seemed to possess a sort of raw, wiry power to them, as did her arms. What of her neck was exposed and her face were both pale and wiry as well, with her face being slightly bony as well. Her cheekbones were high, and with how her cheeks might have been called a bit sunken, they were pronounced and slightly haughty in appearance. Her nose was small and straight; she attributed this to good healing spells her father had taught her, as without them, her nose would actually _look_ like it had been broken the seven times it had been. The aforementioned nose was perched above a small mouth with slightly thin lips, which were almost always twitching into a sneer or smirk – it was really rather rare for a real (or even fake) smile to grace her lips._

_Arched and slightly thin eyebrows rested above cat-like black eyes. The lashes of said eyes were dark, but straight, thin, and short. No make-up could be seen on her face, and in fact, she hardly ever wore any. While she might wear a bit of lipstick or gloss to a slightly classy school event, to make her face look less corpse-like, other than that, she left her features unpainted. Due to this, the small, pale burn scars – from potion-making – on her face could be seen, along with a newly-acquired scar which stretched from the corner of her right eye to the right corner of her mouth. Small scars could also be seen in her hands and wrists; the former from potion-making and working in the kitchen, while the latter were from a period of depression in her fifth year._

_Once she was done with washing her hands, the redhead turned off the water and reached for the dish towel lying on the counter beside the sink. After drying her hands quickly and thoroughly, she refolded the towel and placed it back in its original place. Turning from the counter, she moved over to the table and took a seat. Having washed the strawberries before washing her own hands, the tall woman simply picked up one of the berries in question, before taking the knife in her right hand. Removing the top part of the strawberry where the leaves and what was left of the stem were located, she placed these back into the bowl with the other ruby-colored fruits. Neatly slicing the strawberry she held in half, she then cut out any bad spots, before placing the two halves into the second, empty bowl._

_Picking a second strawberry, she repeated the process quickly and efficiently. This continued for about ten minutes. Though her thoughts wandered, she made sure to keep her mind at least slightly on task. Along with racing around the park/countryside off of the small village and through the narrow, dirty streets of Spinners End itself, she enjoyed growing strawberries during the summer. This would be her last crop of the year, as the holidays were coming to a close, and she would be returning to Hogwarts for her final year in just a week and half's time. Speaking of Hogwarts, she would need to head to Diagon Alley to get her school supplies within the next two or three days. She had some potions she had been working on over the summer as extracurricular, and so she wanted to have some time with her new supplies to work on them._

"_Best be sure you don't cut yourself."_

_The redhead twitched. Not pausing in her work, she ignored the impulse to whip out her wand and turn on the room's newest occupant. She'd had to do that a bit more lately, as she had become slightly more paranoid over the past months. This had mostly to do with the fact that a certain new tattoo had been added to her collection. Now, two snakes resided on her arms, though the one representing her House was etched onto her right upper arm, while the one heralding her Master took its place upon her left forearm. Squashing her paranoia, she voiced her reply. Her voice sounded much like that of her companion; though a bit lighter, it was the same slightly husky, silk-covered-steel tone._

"_I won't. You know I'm more careful than that. And besides," here her hands paused. She turned her head just enough to look at the figure behind her. "You know I haven't done it on purpose since they let me out of St. Mungos' psych ward."_

_Her slightly wry, small smile was mirrored in an older, more lined face. The male was just as tall as she, being six foot three, and his black eyes were a mirror of her own. As usual, he wore his black attire, but minus the outer, bat-like robes. Aside from their differing attire, hair color/texture, and skin tone, the two looked very much alike. In fact, if one looked closely, and could rub two brain cells together into functioning, one would have clearly noticed just how uncanny their resemblance was. One would also have not had to guess much at their relation to one another. The Hogwarts potions master and this seventeen-year-old girl were obviously father and daughter. The slightly concerned glint to Severus' eyes also served to make this known._

"_Don't joke about that, Alex. However, you have been eating properly I trust?"_

_His tone changed from slightly admonishing to a bit concerned rather quickly. Alex – whose full name was Alexandra – sighed a bit. Her expression had taken on a twinge of sadness. She knew her father felt at least partially responsible for what had landed her in the psych ward in the first place, and so she had done everything in her power to remedy the situation upon her release almost four months prior. She knew it wasn't his fault, as she should have noticed what was going on when her studies and duties as prefect and Quidditch Captain turned her mind away from the nourishment she needed to function. That was how her anorexia had come to be – the bulimic symptoms were her own doing, rather than caused by an outside source._

"_Not really," she murmured, feeling just slightly ashamed. Before her father could speak again, she continued what she had to say. "It's just hard… Sometimes I don't want to be better; sometimes I can't be put back together." Alex then turned completely in her chair, after placing the knife and finished strawberry in their respective places. Her eyes just begged for Severus to understand. "Sometimes I can't hide the demons that I face. Sometimes don't deny I'm sometimes sinner, sometimes saint." Her words were whispered, and yet spoken with such… Fervor, that the elder simply sighed, and moved closer to her. Placing a hand on her shoulder, he said simply that he knew what she meant, but that they would get through it together, one step – one _day_ at a time. _

_She smiled weakly and nodded. Her father's slightly large, calloused and yet warm and loving hand then moved to her head, gently ruffling her hair. He mirrored her expression, though the smile was smaller, and just a bit unsure. Neither of them were very good with their emotions, and so these small, few-moment exchanges between them in the privacy of their own home were things that Alex cherished. Especially in the face of the cold, impersonal relationship they needed to keep up when they were at school. _No-one_ could know of their relation, and so they kept things under wraps; unless they were here in Spinners End during the Christmas, Easter, and summer holidays, no-one would have ever had any reason to believe that they were father and daughter. It was a small consolation, but Alex would take whatever she could get; she loved her father dearly, and any reaction from him during these small times was something she would keep safe in her heart._

_Their little moment over, Severus mentioned that he had just come to check on her, and that he had to continue with his potions work. She nodded in acknowledgement. Both their expressions then became more-or-less blank once more. The two shared a few parting words, and then the Hogwarts Potions Master turned on his heel and left the kitchen. Alex let out a breath she hadn't known she was holding, when she heard the door to the basement/potions laboratory close behind her father. With a small, slightly bitter laugh at how they could be so amicable one moment, and then so awkward within the next. It was slightly pathetic, if she were to admit it to herself, but then that was just how they were. She loved their little moments, and so endured the few where neither knew what to say or do. It was how things were, and really, she wouldn't have changed it for anything. Retrieving the knife and another strawberry, the seventeen-year-old set back to work._

_Her hands were stained red from the juice for the rest of the day._

* * *

><p>As of now, her hands were stained red from an entirely different liquid.<p>

That had been the last "good" time she and her father had shared – the last time they had been able to be themselves around each other. Her seventh year had been horrendously busy, and so they had never had much time to talk, not that they would have been their true selves within Hogwarts walls anyways. They were both far too secretive for that. Of course, much to Alex's satisfaction, she had been named Head Girl, and she still retained her position as Slytherin's Quidditch Captain, so she hadn't really been thinking much about how her time with her father was quickly becoming limited. N.E.W.T.s took up a good deal of her attention as well, which she was very pleased to note after she had graduated, that she had passed with all O's, just as she had intended to do – just as she had studied her butt off to do.

In the summer and year after her seventh year, she had spent nearly all of her time working as an intern in a quite prestigious apothecary in Diagon Alley. She had then spent this last year – the one her father passed as Headmaster – had been just as hard as the previous. This was for one reason only. Oh, she was quickly climbing the ladder of success, and her knowledge was proving very useful as she fought for the Dark Lord, but… Her life still seemed empty. This was, simply put, because of what it now lacked. She and her father hadn't spoken since her seventh year. It had just been a party with her friends… It was no big deal; so she'd had a few drinks and decided she liked the stuff, so what? Or, so she had thought at the time. A "few drinks" had awakened the more detrimental parts of her addictive personality, something her father frowned upon heavily. They had had many fights about that; though from the outside, it simply looked like her Head of House was worried for his student, but from the inside, it was quite different.

She had said many things, while they screamed at each other those times. Of course, as she had been exceedingly drunk at those times, she had never really meant what she had said. Yes, she had said she would have been better off without her father; that she wouldn't be thinking about him as soon as she could be on her own… Now, she hoped that he hadn't given credit to her words. She all but dropped to her knees and _prayed_ that he knew her well enough to not have believed a single word that came out of her mouth during her drunken rages. Because, in short, her father was all that she had – all that she loved. Yes, she found pleasure in her accomplishments, but she loved her father far too much to lose him over her own stupidity.

She had tried to speak with Severus after every Death Eater meeting, but to no avail. He would always brush her off coldly, just as he had done while she was still in school. Alex had even tried to visit him at Hogwarts during this last year, but again, she was ignored and brushed aside. It hurt, she would admit that. It hurt deeply to know that she had destroyed her relationship with her father just because of her own selfish weakness. In the end, she grew to hate herself. Thusly, her vices reemerged. She began cutting again, and her anorexia flared to live once more. Truth be told, she had wanted to hurt just as much as she had made her father hurt. It was sick and twisted – and led her to question her mental state at times – but it her feel better, at least a little bit. She was punishing herself, on top of how her father was punishing her. After all, she deserved it.

As of now, she was headed for the Shrieking Shack. She knew Lucius had informed her father that she Dark Lord wanted to speak to him, and so he had gone. Alex herself had been fighting on the front lines of the war, even though her father had – though in sneering tones, questioning her ability – in a roundabout way, asked that she not fight. She hated the thought that, after all she had done to him, he was still trying to protect her. It both enraged her, and made her self-loathing grow even more. She was enraged because it seemed that he didn't think she could protect herself. As to her self-loathing, she hated the fact that she was still causing him pain, even though indirectly.

She remembered little of the battle itself; she just knew that some very important Order members had fallen to her wand. She had, and acutely at that, felt when her father's life began to slip from him. Alex never knew why or how she knew, but she did. She had followed the Potter boy – her half-brother – and the other two parts of the Golden Trio as they made their way to the Shrieking Shack. With a Disillusionment Charm placed upon herself, the tall redhead had watched as her master killed her father, and then set his snake upon Severus. She also watched, again silently, the exchange between the dying Potions Master and the Boy Who Lived. She knew she would not be present in those tear-memories, and for that she was both glad and pained.

It seemed he was still protecting her, even now, as he lay dying.

Alex waited until Potter and his friends were gone, and then moved to where her father lay. She could tell he wasn't dead just yet, something only a medi-witch/wizard or someone else whom had studied potions, and thus the affects such had on the human body, would note. Of course, she also knew that healing him now wouldn't save him; it would just make his final moments a bit less messy. And so she did. Kneeling and taking her father's body into her arms, and drenching her hands in blood in the process, she removed her wand from her robes. The redhead cast a healing spell upon the wound at his neck, and a cleaning spell upon the blood, save for what was on her hands. They were metaphorically bloody anyways, now it was just physically so as well.

Once this had been done, Alex removed her Death Eater hood and mask. Her hair, which she had neglected to cut for quite some time now, tumbled down to rest just at the middle of her back. Tossing the mask and robes to the side, she held her father's body close to her, not caring that her trousers and dress shirt were being stained with the blood that had soaked into his own robes. With her one arm supporting his body in an almost cradle-like fashion, she lifted her other hand to touch his cheek. She felt the same warm wetness upon her own cheeks, as she felt with her fingers. She wondered if he would open his eyes and look at her, but knew her hope was probably useless. He was slipping away from her, and it was all her own fault that she had so badly damaged her relationship with her father.

Of course, as usual, she turned out to have assumed wrongly. Black eyes the mirror of her own, though slightly grey now as the light faded from them, fluttered open.

"Alex…" His voice was hoarse and raspy, but she could hear him well due to their close proximity.

"Daddy…" she whispered, trying to keep the desperation and pain out of her voice. Of course, she knew she failed at it. She saw the slight surprise which registered in his eyes; she hadn't called him even Dad since she was ten, let alone Daddy. It had always just been Father after she started Hogwarts.

"I'm so, so sorry," she continued, knowing that she had to say it, even if he didn't want her to. "I never should have said any of the things I did… You were right… Can you forgive me, for ruining everything?" She could see the struggle he was facing, needing to speak, and hated herself more for causing him even more pain than she already had.

"I've… Already… Forgiven… You…"

Alex smiled weakly; she knew she didn't deserve to be forgiven, but just that he was willing to do so made it a bit easier to know that she would lose him.

Leaning down, she gently pressed a kiss to Severus' cheek, something she hadn't done since she was very little. "I love you, Daddy," she murmured softly, wiping away the tears from his cheek which were both his and her own.

"L-Love you… Alexandra… L-Lily Evans…" And then, the light slowly faded completely from his eyes, and his head dropped backwards. The Potions Master's eyes rolled back into his head, under closed lids. She winced slightly at how he said her name; no more "Alex;" no more "my girl," as he had called her, when feeling particularly affectionate. Now, with the use of her full name, she had seen fully just how much she had damaged their relationship. She knew he was gone, but she couldn't help her reaction, as the full meaning of it slammed into her like a ton of bricks. He was gone. Dead. Never coming back. This was it. The end. Over; done; no re-do's, no re-starts. Before, she could take solace in the fact that he was still there, even if she had hurt him dearly. Now, he wasn't there anymore.

Now, she was irrevocably and completely alone.

The scream which rent itself from her throat went unheard by any but herself, and the corpse which she held close to her breast.

* * *

><p>She didn't remember exactly how she got to Spinners End, but she assumes that she managed to apperate both herself and her father's body to the home which was now solely hers. The when and how was blurry, and she didn't want to examine her memories now. And so, as the rain washed the world clean, hours after the battle had ended, Alex dug her father a grave in the small backyard of the home she had grown up in. She did it in the muggle fashion, but made sure that her father's body wouldn't become muddy or wet from the rain. Once she was done with digging the grave, she conjured a coffin – a black, sleek monstrosity which she could hardly bare to look t, as she gently settled her father's body into it.<p>

She had cleaned his robes, and made sure his hair wasn't matted by blood. His hands were clasped at his chest, holding his wand. His face looked almost peaceful, with a small, slightly hidden smile playing upon his lips. Alex supposed that it was her currently fractured state of mind which made her do so, but she supposed that the closure for her next actions was needed anyways. With her red hair hanging limply over her shoulders, she leant down and pressed her lips to Severus' own. Pulling back just slightly, she realized how much the drops of water from her hair looked like the tears they had both shed mere hours before. She didn't stop her tears now, just as she had not then. The time to be strong again would come, but it was not now.

"Good-bye, Daddy," she whispered, her broken words heard by none. "I love you."

She stepped back then, only swiping t her eyes when the tears threatened to blur her vision too much. She gently closed the lid of the coffin, and levitated it into the grave. Thankfully, she had made it deep enough for the mud not to fill it too much. Once the casket which contained her father's body was safely in the grave, she set about filling the grave once more, again doing it the muggle way. Once this was done, Alex conjured a headstone, and made sure it was placed firmly at the head of her father's grave. She then got down on her knees in the mud, not caring that her clothes were all but ruined by mud, blood, and sweat by now. With as steady a hand as she could muster, she carved the words, "Severus Snape; loving father, exacting Potions Master, and fair Headmaster; January 9th, 1960 – May 2nd, 1998," into the headstone. Under this, she inscribed, "Here lies the Half-Blood Prince."

Feeling that this was as much as she could bear without her mind completely shattering, Alex stood, murmured one last good-bye, and then made her way into the home both she and her father had grown up in. It was also rather ironic, that he would be buried in the place she had been born; her mother had felt that the whole mess the two had found themselves in after their unplanned one-night-stand was Severus' fault, and so Lily had had him deliver their baby. She had spent her first four years with her mother, and then when the Dark Lord had killed her mother and step-father, she had been taken by Severus. She had lived here since then, and during every holiday break from Hogwarts. Of course, during the last two years, she had lived here alone; she had been saddened by this, but knew that her father was at least still alive. Now… Now she would truly live here alone, with the knowledge that, though he was as close as ever, being buried in the backyard, that he had also never been so far away.

Sinking into a chair, not caring about her utterly disgusting state, Alex summoned herself a bottle of her own personal firewhiskey; she had placed a spell upon it which made it taste like strawberry wine. Pouring herself a glass, she stared at her reflection in the amber liquid. "Alexandra Lily Evans," she whispered bitterly, "I hate you." And with that, she downed the entire glass. She repeated this process long into the night, drowning her pain and anguish in the liquor. She would drink until she couldn't even remember her own name, she resolved. Maybe then – maybe then she would stop hating herself a little. If she couldn't remember whom she was, she couldn't hate herself how just how badly she had fucked everything up. If she didn't remember whom she was, maybe she could stop blaming herself for her father's death.

And so, she would pass an entire year – hiding and drowning her self-hate in strawberry-flavored firewhiskey.

Ironic, that what had once been a source of happiness for her, could now be the thing she turned to blur her pain and self-loathing.

Ironic, wasn't it, that they had once been close over strawberries, and now so far, over strawberry wine.

* * *

><p>AN: Funny thing about fanfiction... What Word calls 4,100 words, it calls 4,146 - minus the A/N, of course. Well anyways, I hope you guys liked it. I think the ending was a bit rushed, but... Well, I guess I can always tweak it a bit later. Just let me know what you thought, m'kay? I tried to keep Severus as in character as I could, but... I'm not so sure I succeeded. As to why he called her by her full name there near the end… I gave some detail in the fic, but the real, and more in-depth, reason is this:

It's meant to show how their relationship has been irrevocably changed by Alex's own actions... Yes, he still loves her dearly, but what she's said and done can never be erased.

Until next time,

~Haru.


End file.
